Yesyesyesyes

This is going to be a rather short and sweet blog post, because I am rather tired due to medications, I think. I forgot to take my morning medications at their allotted time, so everything was pushed close together, which makes everything a bit...stronger. ::yawn::

I received a phone call this morning, waking me out of my sleeping again, and when I answered it, I was happy to discover it was Dara from HEI. She was calling to tell me that my background check had cleared and that could start tomorrow. Please see the video below to express my delight:





I slowly got out of bed then and did a little bit of "house-cleaning" by cancelling my therapy appointment tomorrow and mentioning to my therapist (by email) that I needed to cancel our weekly meetings going forward for awhile...until I knew what was going on. I asked if there were other options, but I understood if there weren't any. I was surprised when she called me back this afternoon with the option of 5:00 PM on Wednesdays, which would work perfectly for me, assuming traffic goes okay enough. It'll have to do. It's the best we've got. Now all I have to worry about is my psychiatrist appointments...

Other than that, the day's been rather quiet. I didn't do meditation or Kriya today. I feel badly about that, but I've made plans to do it tomorrow morning, so it should be an issue going forward. Today has been my lazy day. I think that's got to be okay for now. I think it may be an early night tonight. I'm just tired.

More anxiety

I didn't hear from HEI (the job) today about my background check, so I won't be starting work tomorrow. My immediate cognitive response isn't the rational, "Oh, I'm sure it's still processing"; no, it's "MY IDENTITY HAS BEEN STOLEN AND THEY'VE FOUND SOMETHING!!" My anxiety has been up today, and I've been on edge because of it. So on edge that it's come out sideways at Arun and others when I haven't meant it to (sorry, all). What really worries me about the job, though, is fitting in those appointments. I really don't know what I'm going to do about that. I talked to my DBT group about it this evening, and they told me the same thing everyone else has, "Try to bring it up maybe?" but "be careful, I guess?" Sigh. It's just too easy. They did suggest that I contact my individual therapist in advance. So, I plan on giving her a call tomorrow morning...

I went back to the Sprint store today, because I received a text message from them saying they were ready for me. Turns out that I needed a new phone. That's such a hassle. Yeah, I'm glad that I get a new device, but it's such a hassle to re-download all the applications and re-link all of the contacts, and re-do all the layouts and stuff. I know, I know "first world problems" and all that. At least it gave me something to do for an hour, but it's just something I'd rather not do. I relatively hate technology.

Today is my cat Sebastian's fourth birthday. He's been with us just shy of a year (it'll be a year in two days). Just wanted to share. He's been a great addition to our household--a real joy!

I've been thinking a lot about accountability and goal setting, and I think I'm going to make a goal here. I'm going to start meditating and doing the Kriya again, and I want a place to be held accountable, so I think I'll make that place here. I'll just make a point to check in about my meditation routine (which will be a morning thing) and write a little something about how it went. That should be enough for now. I've been thinking a lot about taking this first step for a long while. I don't know what's been standing in my way for so long. Ambivalence, I suppose. General toxins running through me--depression--and I'm ready to weed out my garden, I think. That means a lot of things, but I think step one will be to start with this meditation practice. I'll worry about the rest of the steps later...

I'll end with a letter.

Dear Princess Celestia,


Today I learned that it's important to be gentle and interested and to validate someone for effective communication. Validation can be very important to helping someone feel heard and understood.


Your faithful student,


Starlight Ashe

UUUUGGGHHHH!

Today has been shitastic.

I was woken up earlier than my alarm to a jarring phone ringing, which I ignored for my extra hour and a half of sleep--that's valuable, dammit! It would've been valuable if it wasn't for my cat thinking that my phone call was my alarm, which meant it was time for noms. He did his standard "feed me" routine. Meow, lick plastic, meow, lick plastic, meow, meow, meow, jump on bed, stand and walk on Mama's hair and lay down on her head. My hour and a half was spent trying forcefully to sleep rather than sleeping.

When my alarm went off, I fed the near-death starving cat and checked my voicemail. It was from the Emily Program, stating that my 10:00 AM appointment was cancelled due to the doctor being out. I called back to try to reschedule for a time outside normal working hours, and when I did, the person at the desk said that a nurse was coming in at 11:00 AM to sub, if I'd like to still come in today. I debated on that. Ultimately, yes, I did want to come in today, but my psychiatrist wanted the blood to be drawn as close to 12 hours after my last dose of Lithium as possible, which that would be 13 hours... Close enough, I decided, and it doesn't conflict with work. I told them I'd be there.

In the meantime, I surfed the interwebs. I checked my email to see a message from Dara at my new job. She was writing to tell me of her excitement about my acceptance of the position. She said that the hours of the position were standard working hours of 8:00 to 4:30 (sweet!), but that she wasn't sure if those would change a bit during the first couple of days. She would check and let me know. She also said that the background check wasn't processed yet, so I wouldn't be starting tomorrow as planned. But hopefully on Wednesday. UGH. Are you serious? I am dying here. I need my structure!

Anyway, I got to my appointment and ended up waiting until almost 11:30 while this sub-nurse got situated. Then we managed to get back to a doctor's room and proceeded to putz around another fifteen minutes while she located all of the materials. It was almost noon before she started feeling my left arm for the veins. Now, my veins are always tricky to find, but they're never impossible. This lady poked once and managed to fill one tube before losing the vein (how do you lose a vein halfway through...?). She abandoned that arm and tried the other one. She poked three more times and failed each one. Each time, she tried a different home remedy to make it easier. "Here drink two glasses of water." or "I'll just put on this hot cloth for a minute." or "I'll use this blood pressure cuff!" Ultimately, she gave up and went to get another doctor in the clinic, who came in, took two glances at my arms said, "Nope, you have unsatisfactory veins. We'll have to ship you to Fairview. Sorry!" After that, my things were gathered up and I was ushered out with the assignment of make my own damn appointment and find my own way. UGH. Are you kidding me? I should've known to just do it at my usual clinic, instead of at the Emily Program. What a joke.

I thought about going directly to Fairview and getting it just out of the way and done with. But by that point, it was 12:30, and I was well-over pushing it with that 12 hour rule. Besides, I figured I'd have to have an appointment of somekind, even with just a lab. Sigh.

I sat in the parking lot a little bit and just played on my phone...until it started it's nasty little powercycle loop habit. That did it. FINE, I thought, LET'S END THIS. I drove to Edina to the Sprint store I was familiar with and charged up to the representative. "I need this fixed. It bootloops when I use it too much," I said. He said that it could be a battery or a software issue and brought it back to the technical support team. They said it would be about forty minutes for the testing. Fine, that's fair. I walked around the strip mall. Old Navy. Office Max. Nothing too interesting. I love window shopping. I really want a case for my phone, I've decided, but not one from Sprint. Those are a bit pricey. Cha-ching.  Anyway, after 40 minutes, I checked on the progress of my phone and was told it'd be another 20 minutes. Grr. O-kay. I putz around in the store. I use their phone to try to call Arun and let him know what's up. No answer. I check email and send a few out.

After 20 minutes, I check the status again and see my phone is on the counter...bootlooping still. "What's going on," I asked, skeptically. I'm told that it's a processor issue, but that they don't have the parts in stock yet. Hopefully tomorrow, but they're not sure. They'll send me a text message when they are. And after I get that text message, I can just swing on by and get that all replaced. ...oh, I can, can I? Then he hands me my still broken phone, and I am expected to leave. I do leave. UGH.

I just feel like I've started a lot of things today and nothing's gotten finished. It's all just processing. UGH. UGH.



Not for lack of trying though. I did call Fairview to make an appointment for tomorrow morning at 9:00 AM for my labs to be done. Hopefully, that will all workout. I'll take my pills tonight around 9:30 PM to compensate for any possible delays there might be. I'll drink plenty of fluids today and tomorrow morning to make sure I'm hydrated (apparently dehydration makes drawing blood more difficult).

As for the Sprint and job issue... only time will help with those. All I can do is just sit with the fact that I cannot change the situation that I'm in.

Puzzle Pieces

I had a dream the other night where I was standing in the middle of a dark room with three puzzle pieces looking around for the big picture to put them in. I groped around aimlessly in the dark for hours, feeling around jagged edges for pieces that might be like the ones I held in my hand. It went on like this for hours (dream hours, I guess)--would you say that's a nightmare?--and I never really found where they went; however, I did find out what my puzzle pieces were as the time went on. They were nonsensical things, and I can't remember it now, but I think the dream is indicative of where I am now. I have all of these pieces and no grasp of what my "bigger picture" is.

I woke up this morning to Arun poking me and demanding that I feed the cat. I was in a dead sleep and it started my day off on the wrong foot. I was very angry that he had woken me when he had been awake and could've just done it, but I got up and fed the cat anyway. I didn't (and couldn't) go back to bed. In the silence of the house, I got to thinking of what I was woken up from and that's when the dream came back to me. It got me thinking about the little pieces I have in my life: my new job, my ED recovery, my bipolar maintenance, my struggling Buddhist practice and Art of Living, and my budding social life.  I have not been nurturing any of these things very well recently... well, if I was honest, more than recently.

For months it seems, my bipolar mania has run my life. I would have weeks of normalcy interwoven with manic hell, where my life would turn into chaos followed by intense psychosis ending in ER visits or, at its culmination, a hospital stay. It made it very hard for me to trust anything about me--I never wanted to commit to anything, even to my own practices, because why bother if I would only throw them into the wind when manic anyway? Amid this chaos and mistrust, I dropped a lot of old habits--Art of Living exercises and morning meditation, for example, but other things as well. Over time, as the mania shed away and the aftermath washed over the shore (the lay-off), I found myself grossly unprepared for dealing with the crisis when normally I would have been. So, I was left to wallow.

But that's not me. I've worked hard through recovery, through DBT, through my value system to know and appreciate happiness--and making my own happiness. For some reason, the DBT/Eastern/Buddhist philosophy that "pain is inevitable; suffering is optional" was pounding in my heart this morning. I was suffering by choice, but what could I do to stop it? I looked down at the puzzle pieces in my hands...

I went to sangha this morning. Sangha is the union of the Shambhala Buddhist community on Sundays for group meditation. It's sitting and walking meditation with opening and closing chanting. I only went for a brief period of sitting, but the meditation was exactly what it needed to be. It was extremely undisciplined, difficult, and distracted. I felt completely untrained, uncomfortable, and unpracticed. I worried the entire time that I was breathing too loud, and kept judging the fact that I had to keep returning to the breath so often. But that's what it needed to be at that time. I recognize that. Some sittings are just like that, as I remember, but it's hard to shake that loud disappointed voice saying that it's me doing something wrong...which is not true. After all, meditation is the act of returning to the breath, which I did over and over again. Also while I was there, I met with the meditation instructor Vicki to talk about my practice. She said that she would be happy to speak with me about it, which make me feel stronger already since she actually taught my Level I course at Shambhala Meditation Center (which included a 6-hour long meditation session, FYI). It was nice to be able to share with somebody that I had fallen off the wagon and not feel abnormal about it. I'm hoping this will jumpstart my practice.

Turning over another piece...

My body image is terrible. I've gained a lot of weight due to medications, binge eating, and general sedentary recovery-ness. I've had to up my clothing sizes, which has scarred me royally and I haven't really gotten passed that, and it has me questioning a lot about who I really am and what I really want to be.

Basically, Mia's voice is just as loud as it was when I was eyeball deep in it. The only thing that's changed is that my recovery voice--MY voice--is louder that hers is. I'm able to reason my way out of the disordered voice every day for most things. It makes me a little sad that the voice is still there and still as loud as it is, because I was hopeful that it was stick but it's not. I still hear all the rules, all the numbers, all the little judgments, nit-picks, and jabs. It's all there. It still makes me question my recovery some days, but for the most part, it's just annoying! And it's taken me a long time to get to that point--where the voice is less "at home" and more "annoying."

My meal plan days have been difficult...not because of the eating disorder, but because I'm just not used to eating by a meal plan. Arun and I have kind of gotten used to eating whenever we feel like it, and I know as an ED-recovered person I'm not the best judge of that, I'm not abusing it. At least I'm not right now. I still eat my meals each day, and I do snack as well. Intuitive eating, maybe? No idea, but I've never tried tracking what I normally eat to see if it matches up to what a dietitian would say A-OK to. I guess it's not something I'm too worried about...

Another piece...

I haven't been doing the best job at creating an active social network for myself. Sigh. I guess I'm running out of possibilities. We'll see how this new job might help with prospects. I was hoping that meetup.com would help a bit, but I haven't been perusing that as much as I thought I would. I guess I could turn that up a bit more. I did like that Bipolar MeetUp group that I went to...

Some of you followers could help with this one! Help me be socially active! ^_~

I've written long enough. I'll end with my letter:


Dear Princess Celestia,


Today I learned that you should never expect something to turn out a certain way just because you think it might bother someone. Sometimes people don't mind going out of their way to help a friend, and that's okay.


Your faithful student,


Starlight Ashe

Gratitude

I obviously have a lot of gratitude for my recent employment. I can't adequately express the relief that having another position lined up provides for me. I feel like I did a pretty decent job of finding work quickly and efficiently after being laid off. I was laid off on (and my last day of employment was) November 7th, and my first day of my new job is November 29th. So, it will be three full weeks of being unemployed. I probably didn't do the best I could on searching for work, but I worked fairly hard to get my resume out there. 


But what is my job, you might wonder? Well, I'm going to be a Process Specialist at a medium size rebate and data processing company in White Bear Lake. The job description is as follows:


Organize various components needed to initiate, run and conclude special projects:


Responsibilities


• Customer service via phone and other correspondence.
• Identify, research, and resolve customer issues using the computer system 
• Research errors that are generated and correct claims as necessary 
• Check dates, UPC, model, terms & conditions, and error codes to validate for program 
• Edit and Proof projects and Data Entry 
• Research and respond to BBB and Attorney General complaints directed to our clients 
• Monitor client note queue and assist with Account Manager work and email load


The only thing that I have to think about is how I'm going to approach my appointment schedule and work. I know that I shouldn't be too demanding in the probationary period at a new job--because they can literally let you go for any reason, but at the same time I want to make sure I get the most out of my treatment. It's going to be a rough go. The most questionable part is what hours I'm working. Nowhere in the interview, the acceptance phone call or in the starting paperwork did it say what my hours would be. Depending on what they are, I may need to miss my treatment altogether. My treatment hours are late in the evening, so I'm hopeful that it won't interfere with that too much. We'll see. I'll hopefully have my answer for that on Monday...which will give me one whole day to prepare.

I was thinking about what it would mean to see my therapist or psychiatrist on a minimal basis for awhile and it seems like a scary predicament. It seems even scarier to talk to the HR department at my new job, disclose my disability and demand reasonable accommodations so soon after being hired. This is all new ground. Stuff I've never had to deal with before, and it's happening so fast that I'm not entirely sure how to make sense of everything. First things first... get my hours in order and then see what I can do to work around them. I already know that I'm going to need to do something about my individual therapy, dietitian and psychiatrist... I haven't figured out what I can do yet. 

Just trying to take it in stride. 

Hired

I got the job!

That's all for now. I'll update at length tomorrow.

Anxiety

I've been really tense all day because of anxiety. I was waiting for a phone call from that job prospect all morning and afternoon, and I had a rough morning to boot.

First of all, my alarm didn't go off at 6:30 like it was supposed to (no idea why), so I woke up when I was supposed to leave for my fingerprinting appointment for my staffing agency. Luckily, I was able to just throw some clothes on and go, so I was able to arrive on time, but it was still an anxiety producing feeling. When I got there, their internet was down, which sent my anxiety soaring, because I had another appointment with my dietitian scheduled very close (within an hour) of this appointment about a half hour drive from the location. It didn't help that when they did the printing the first time, it failed sending through, so we had to do it again, too. Drove me crazy, but I remained polite and patient.

I darted out as soon as I could, though. Arrived on time for my dietitian appointment, too, though. I really don't know if I'm getting as much out of those appointments as I could. We make goals every week and I try to meet them, but honestly, I feel as though I could make these goals and meet them on my own. I think... Maybe not. Probably not. Who am I kidding? I need a dietitian... I just want to get rid of my appointments so that when I get a job, I won't be so badly hurt by the loss. I haven't tried to think about that's going to all work yet.

Anyway, when I got home after the appointments, I stayed so close to my phone, it hurt. It didn't ring until the afternoon. When it did, it was Dara from the job, but it wasn't an answer. She was calling to tell me that she would reach a decision by Wednesday and that I was a top candidate. She also mentioned that she was looking for someone to start November 29th or 30th, so after the holiday, but still pretty quickly. I'm feeling less confident, since they're still considering me against others... I'm pretty sure now that I won't get it. At least I'll have the staffing agency.

I applied for my unemployment today, too. They had me fill out a questionnaire about what I am doing about my job-search and wanted me to add MinnesotaWorks to my list of websites that I use for job searches. I've never used it, but I'm open looking through it. We'll see.

Bipolar Update

I hate Zyprexa. I'm convinced I'm gaining weight. That's all.

Interviews

The last two days have been filled with interviews of different kinds. Well, not filled, I guess. Interviews don't take more than an hour on their own (typically), but with the preparation and the worrying and then the detox, it feels like forever. I treat them like a majority of the day affair, even though I did more than those things in a day. Tough call, though. Ha.

Yesterday, I had therapy early in the morning before my interview at a staffing agency at a place called Office Team, a branch of Robert Half. It's a company that specializes in the placement of individuals in office-based positions, so it's right up my alley with my background and experience. While in therapy, I received a voicemail from someone named Dara who said that she was calling about my application for the Process Specialist position at her company and she would like to speak with me about an interview. I called her on the way to my interview to the Office Team's building in the Nicollet Mall. We talked briefly about the responsibilities of the position and how she wanted the interview to be as soon as today. I told her that would be fine. So, once we got everything squared away (with necessary paperwork emailed to me and directions given), we ended the phone conversation, and I went to my interview with Office Team.

Darcy, the Staffing Manager, was very kind and direct. She had her receptionists have me fill out a number of documents and surveys before the interview. Once the interview began, I instantly got the impression that once the process was finalized, that I would be immediately placed in a position. Darcy was very strongly implying that Wells Fargo was in need of people to answer questions about mortgages in an incoming call center environment. Not my ideal job by any means, but if it were my only option, I'd take it.

The process wasn't going to be finalized until they talked to my references (they needed three) and I completed a background check and was fingerprinted. They managed to get a hold of one of my references today, so that was covered. I spoke with someone named Jenna, another member of the staffing team, I guess, who sent over the background check information. They needed information of all the residences I've lived in the past 10 years. I filled it out to the best of my knowledge, but to be honest, I didn't remember all six of the addresses I lived in college. I just couldn't remember all of them. So, I gave the ones I remembered, and then just gave my mother's permanent address. That should suffice. I scheduled my fingerprinting for Monday morning. We'll see how that goes.

Aaaanyway, after that, I went to Kohl's to buy an interview shirt and jacket since I don't have one that fits anymore, and couldn't find one there. Boo. So, I went to JCPenney and found one there instantly. I've really come to love that store. I have never really been disappointed by their selection, their prices, or their staff--at any of the locations I've been to. I'm sure that their are exceptions.

My evening was spent filling out the paperwork, reviewing the job posting, and reading the company website. The following morning, after I cleaned up, I did the same thing for a hour or so. After I had a strong grasp of the position's description and skillset and the company values and purpose, I moved on to refreshing my knowledge of how to interview. How to answer typical questions, what questions to ask them, etc. I wanted to be ready. For the most part, I knew the stuff. I'm a great interviewer. But I'm a great interviewer because I always put this work in, so I'm glad that I do it every time...even when I don't really need it. I probably didn't need it this time, especially for how it turned out.

I left an hour before, so I'd arrive a half hour early, leaving me with ample time to get lost, if need be. It turned out that it was easier to find than I thought it would be, so I was there thirty minutes early. I waited in my car for about fifteen minutes before going in. Everyone I ran into was wearing jeans and casual tops. Here I was in a business suit, signing in as a visitor, pinning on my visitor's badge to my black jacket and the receptionist was sitting in blue jeans and a white t-shirt. I couldn't help blushing a little. I made a light joke about being overdressed for the occasion of signing in, and she laughed a lot, which was a good feeling (I read somewhere that making nice with receptionists is a good thing). The receptionist called Dara, the HR representative responsible for the interview, and alerted her that I was here. I waited for about five minutes before someone showed up.

It wasn't Dara, but the Process Manager named Jennifer--the manager of the position I was interviewing for. We talked for a little bit before the interview actually began, waiting for Dara to come, so I took that opportunity to interview her a bit. I asked her about the creation of the position--whether or not it was new. She told me that it was a new position that it was created because the department and company was growing. That makes me feel optimistic about the company's stability in the economy; they are growing. Dara showed up. She explained that she was just there to interject sometimes as needed, but that Jennifer would be conducting the interview mostly. She explained that it was Friday and she wouldn't be keeping me long, so we would just do the interview for the sake of filling the position and move on. This strikes me as promising, too; it almost seems like they are just doing the interview as a formality to get me into the position. Maybe. Who knows? But that's where the interview actually began. Jennifer read from a piece of paper where about four questions had been printed out with space to write notes between there. The questions were typical. "Tell me about yourself." "Give me an example of when you have used customer service." "What motivates you?" "Why do you feel like your a good fit for this position?" Dara interjected a few times to ask about a few things about my resume--like my languages, past positions, etc.  Very low key. After that, it was just done. Dara kept using words like "Perfect," "Awesome," "This is great," and "Wow."

It was during my answer to "Give me an example of when you have used customer service" that used ponified language. I was talking about the shipping and call-tagging part of my job and how I was supposed to call our customers and attempting to swap out equipment (good equipment for bad equipment) and I used the phrase, "and if anypony was still unhappy with the way the equipment was working for them, I would work to ensure they would..." ::blush:: I played it off as normal. I'm pretty sure I didn't even blush in the moment, because I so suave about. Their faces didn't even show any changes, so I'm thinking they didn't even notice, but still, close call. Hahaha.

I interviewed them too. I asked them about the culture of their company. I was told that it was a very self-directed, casual, hands-off type of company, where people wanted to be there and worked well together. They worked well to satisfy customers to the best of their abilities, even if it means giving them an unsatisfactory answer. Dara then excused herself quickly from the interview, suggesting Jennifer give me a tour of the facility. The tour went well. I continued to interview Jennifer while we walked, so all and all I think it went well.

Whew, this has gone on way to long. All and all, the interview lasted about 45 minutes. I finished it off when I got home and sent a Thank You email to Dara reiterating my interest in joining the company and thanked her and Jennifer for meeting with me. Since then, I been basking in the afterglow.

Borderline

I've had an 'eh' day.

Feeling a little bit like a child.

I have a number of neuroses. One of my afflictions is called Borderline Personality Disorder, and what that means (among other huge things--and this is not to be oversimplified by what I'm about to oversimplify it as) is that I have a huge fear of abandonment. It hit me today that because of my losing my job that I might have to lose some of my treatment team; some of them may have to step away from me because I know longer will support them monetarily. That got me into the wrong mindset. Completely.

I started thinking about what I might lose if I lost my team. Nothing. I figured that I had enough skills in place that I could probably do just fine without a regular dietitian. That's great, right? WRONG. I started to freak out this morning. I don't want to lose my dietitian, and I spiraled into what I would have to do to keep her. My immediate mind went to what? Eating disorder. Yes, if I were to let my eating disorder back in for a bit, then I would have more need for her and she'd have to stay--money or not, right? Right. How distorted is that?

But I don't stop there.

I start to expand. I can secure all of my relationships if I just let the eating disorder in a bit more. My friendships, my family, my boyfriend--all could be strengthened. All of them would rally to the cause of helping me--none of them would think of leaving me, none of them would think of it. And I would be safe, and I would be whole, and I wouldn't be abandoned or alone.

Sick, right? This is why I work through cognitive distortions in therapy. I have a lot of them.

For the record... I haven't given into the eating disorder yet today.

Structure

One of the things I lost along with my job was structure. Now, I'm someone who thrives on structure. I like knowing what to do, when it needs to be done, what's coming next, and so on--it's how I function comfortably. My position at SecureConnect was completely freeform, so I was left to build my own structure, which was intimidating at first, but it actually turned out to be a real blessing:

I had three major tasks: billing and database auditing, telecom remediation, and deactivation and shipping processing. These tasks were variable and didn't really coincide with each other--one had to do with Accounting, another with Implementation, and of course, all under Resource Management. I built my schedule--my structure--by designating my days into segments of hours based on responsibilities. For instance, I know that QSRs have lunch rushes from 11:00 AM to 2:00 PM, so I would call to schedule call-tags outside of those hours--and fill that allotted time with telecom remediation, because telecom company help and billing lines are open during all business hours. I digress from the main point of I built my own rigid schedule that I lived by and thrived in.

Now what?

I brought my question to my DBT group tonight, because my rigid structure building skills here are, well, lacking. I hesitate to just incorporate an eight-hour day of strict job searching, because the work is so taxing and I tend to be too restricting. (Besides, the members of the group shot that idea down right away; yes, I actually tried to pose that!) Their suggestion was actually to build structure by building self-care pieces into my day first and then scheduling job searching around those things. It seems very counter intuitive to me, and it'd be a real challenge. I will have to think about it more. I need more feedback.

What do you think? How would you build structure into your unemployed days?

Surprises and Productivity

Well, today was rather productive. I expected to wake up this morning to a loud household of my mother, sister and three-year-old nephew parading around the house at 6:00 AM or so, but I was pleasantly surprised not to hear much of anyone. My alarm didn't even go off when it was supposed to. Luckily I was up before it. My phone died over night. Typical. I figured it would happen since I normally have it charging overnight when I am in my own bed instead of staying at my mother's. All was well, though, because I did manage to get my rear out of bed before I had to wake up. And to an empty house at that.


After figuring out where I had to go to get to Discount Tire (it was in an area I was only vaguely familiar with), I packed up and headed there, bumping briefly into my sister and nephew as they were coming in. My mother called me and told me that she had talked to one of the auto repair technician's there and was working out a deal with them to see if she could get a buy three, get one free deal going, so she could possibly help me out. I was ecstatic...but not holding my breath. Just focused on the road... I was paranoid behind the wheel. I don't know what it is, but driving on that spare just makes me batty. I won't drive fast on it, and the further I have to drive, the more paranoid I get. Haha. I'm glad my drive was a short one--and really, that was the whole point of my staying at my mother's place to begin with.


Long story short... Buy three, get one half off. I buy two, my mother buys the rest, and at the end of it, my car gets what it needs: four new tires!


My appointment got done a lot faster than was expected (partially because I arrived a half an hour earlier than my appointment time), and I had to kill time before my prescriptions would be ready at noon. So, I decided to go on a My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic hunting spree. I hit up a Toys 'R Us, a WalMart and two Targets, and bought my pony trinkets--acting completely fan-girlie to be sure. There aren't really a lot of merchandise that I want from the pony collections, because I don't want the figurines with the brushable hair, as picky as it might sound. I just don't think they look as realistic as they could to the show or something. But I did find a couple of things within my price range that met my fancy, which was more than I expected!


I hate pharmacies.


I just do.


I understand that it's just a tedious process from psychiatrist to insurance to pharmacy and there's a lot of room for miscommunication and error; however, it seems to happen every single time I have to refill a prescription. Maybe it's because I only refill psychotropic medications and insurance companies are more shitastic about those, but whatever the reason, it is just a headache getting them. Whatever. I got them sorted out and paid for and all that... It's handled. Ha.


Once I got home, I was feeling particularly alert, and I think that's a good word for it. I just feel like all of my senses were at their peak. It was difficult to feel that way and have someone sleeping in the next room, because a surge of energy raged through me like an electric shockwave BOOM and I had to try to siphon it through the eye of a needle...quietly. It didn't work out the greatest. I woke him up a few times as I sorted my weekly pills and organized my desk, but I tried. After that, I actually got to work on my résumé, CV, and cover letter. This was not too tedious of an affair, since I updated them not six months ago. I made it a habit to do numerous time, in case of wanting to find a new job before I was promoted. After my promotion, though, I slacked on it, because I loved my job. No matter.


I searched for a couple of jobs in a few different fields -- administrative, human resources, financial, education... We'll see what else I can dig up when I'm not just perusing a site for a half an hour, but for now I can see plenty of opportunity... Hopefully, some fruit will come from all the trees out there. 


I tried to apply for unemployment for last week, but since I worked on Monday, I'm not eligible for any money. So, it'll be a tight week for me this week. Yuck...


And my surprise for the day told in letter form:


Dear Princess Celestia,


Today I learned that friendship doesn't always show itself in familiar ways. I received an email from someone in my DBT group sending best wishes, compassion, love, and asking for time to get-together if I wanted. I guess kindness can come from unexpected people, so it's important to treat everyone with an open, warm heart.


Your faithful student,


Starlight Ashe

Tires

Poor timing can be chalked up to Murphy's Law, I guess.

On my way to my mother's house this afternoon, my driver's side front tire blew. I was safe and able to get to the shoulder quickly and without problem, so I'm grateful for that. I'm also grateful for Roadside Assistance, which arrived soon after my calling them and swapped out my tire for my spare so that I could get on my way. But it just had to happen when money is going to be so tight for here on out? Sigh.

I'm going to have to buy two new tires. My car needs all new tires, but I can't afford that right now. I can't really afford the two, but I don't have much choice in the matter. I can't really buy just one either. Ugh. Oh, man, it's a $200.00 affair, though. That really sets me back.

I also need to buy my medications tomorrow. I'm so sick of one of the medications--Zyprexa. It's an antipsychotic that makes me zombie-fied. Yes, it keeps the psychosis, hallucinations and delusions, away, but it seriously makes me pass out. It drives me crazy. And it makes me gain weight so fast. I'm so scared of weighing in with my dietitian this Wednesday to find out the damage of the drug.

That's all I got tonight...

Laying off the wallowing

Well, I'm not laying off all of the wallowing, per se; I'm just playing on phrases. I was laid off on Monday, and I'm laying off of my wallowing over that. At the very least, I'm trying. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

Last Tuesday, way back then, I was in the grips of a pretty significant manic cycle. I was delusional. So delusional, that I was believing that I had a deep connection with nature. More than that, I think. I think I believed I was the personification of Nature. The human form of it. I was able to experience the breath of trees, and communicate with any outdoor plant that I could find. And at the time, it all seemed very normal and profound--still when I think about it, I remember it being very normal, even though logically, it sounds off to me.

My therapy group was concerned about my experience (as was true of pretty much everyone else I told--my family, Arun), and they made me promise that if the delusion continued or worsened into Wednesday, that I should go into the hospital for evaluation. Wednesday came and with it hallucinations and continued delusions. I tried to go to work anyway--oh, did I mention that I was trying to work through all of this?--but ultimately, it proved to be a futile effort. I called Arun to come and pick me up early that morning. We were in the ER by 10:00 AM.

Once all things were said and done, I was admitted. I made my necessary phone calls to my boss and therapists to cancel out of my duties and appointments while I was in the hospital. Then came the medication changes. The delusions and hallucinations fell away and gave way to sleep, a lot of sleep. Once rest came back into the picture, I think that my mania was finally given some time to get under control. I hadn't been sleeping very well for a couple of weeks prior. By Friday morning, I was stabilized in terms of no hallucinations or delusions, so I was signed off as able to go home that afternoon.

But the medication was making me sedated. Without the manic energy to counter the sedating effects, I was left to be a zombie on it. I knew that continuing at the prescribed dose would leave me as a catatonic mess at work on Monday. So, I decided to take it into my own hands over the weekend. I took half of the prescribed dose on Saturday, and found that to be still overly sedating, and then just didn't take any on Sunday. That worked. I still had some symptoms of mania, but no hallucinations or delusions, so I figured that was fine. I didn't take any on Monday either, and I figured that was good--because now, I could focus on work. And focus I could, and focus I did.

At 3:00 PM, in the middle of something, I was pulled into the Director of Operations office by our HR representative. I already knew what was coming, because I had been waiting for it since my FMLA ran out a couple of weeks before. You see, due to my mental illness, I have missed many days of work, had to re-arrange schedules, caused undue stress on the department, and essentially been an unreliable asset to the company for over a year. And I don't care what the law says about FMLA protection; that still hurts a company's opinion of an employee over a long period of time. In short, I expected to get fired, not laid off. So, when the excuse came for cost-cutting measures and my position being eliminated and absorbed into another department, I began to feel like was floating numbly. They were covering up their tracks pretty well, but I know that my position can't be eliminated; my department was growing, not shrinking... We just hired someone. They also said that my position was being absorbed by Accounting. 90% of my job was not accounting related--it was shipping/customer relations related. The other 10% was billing-related, sure. Anyway, there are a lot of suspect reasons to consider, but the point is, I was laid off with a four week severance... What catches me up is that my boss claims not to have known anything. That is very bizarre to me, because one would think he'd be one of the people who would know who was being cut to save money. He did offer to be a personal reference and to write a recommendation letter if need-be--so did the Director of Ops. So, even though I suspect that I was leaving of semi-shady terms, it's not completely bad. I just wish I could understand.

Whether or not I deserved it, and whether or not it was fair doesn't matter. I'm grieving the loss of a job I loved pretty much completely, and people who I thought were always there for me (and I think they probably still are). I can't shake the feeling that if I hadn't had ended up in the hospital last January, or taken FMLA last November, or needed to arrange my schedule around therapy appointments, that my job might still be there. But what do "what ifs" do beside make us sadder?

Since then, I've been in a floating, numb state. I haven't wanted to do much of anything other than sleep. The depression bug has bitten me, which is timely, considering the manic cycle has just ended. That, and we had such a fitting trigger for it, too. I'm making a plan to do some more productive things next week; we'll see how that goes. I need to figure out what I want first.