Borderline

I've had an 'eh' day.

Feeling a little bit like a child.

I have a number of neuroses. One of my afflictions is called Borderline Personality Disorder, and what that means (among other huge things--and this is not to be oversimplified by what I'm about to oversimplify it as) is that I have a huge fear of abandonment. It hit me today that because of my losing my job that I might have to lose some of my treatment team; some of them may have to step away from me because I know longer will support them monetarily. That got me into the wrong mindset. Completely.

I started thinking about what I might lose if I lost my team. Nothing. I figured that I had enough skills in place that I could probably do just fine without a regular dietitian. That's great, right? WRONG. I started to freak out this morning. I don't want to lose my dietitian, and I spiraled into what I would have to do to keep her. My immediate mind went to what? Eating disorder. Yes, if I were to let my eating disorder back in for a bit, then I would have more need for her and she'd have to stay--money or not, right? Right. How distorted is that?

But I don't stop there.

I start to expand. I can secure all of my relationships if I just let the eating disorder in a bit more. My friendships, my family, my boyfriend--all could be strengthened. All of them would rally to the cause of helping me--none of them would think of leaving me, none of them would think of it. And I would be safe, and I would be whole, and I wouldn't be abandoned or alone.

Sick, right? This is why I work through cognitive distortions in therapy. I have a lot of them.

For the record... I haven't given into the eating disorder yet today.