More anxiety

I didn't hear from HEI (the job) today about my background check, so I won't be starting work tomorrow. My immediate cognitive response isn't the rational, "Oh, I'm sure it's still processing"; no, it's "MY IDENTITY HAS BEEN STOLEN AND THEY'VE FOUND SOMETHING!!" My anxiety has been up today, and I've been on edge because of it. So on edge that it's come out sideways at Arun and others when I haven't meant it to (sorry, all). What really worries me about the job, though, is fitting in those appointments. I really don't know what I'm going to do about that. I talked to my DBT group about it this evening, and they told me the same thing everyone else has, "Try to bring it up maybe?" but "be careful, I guess?" Sigh. It's just too easy. They did suggest that I contact my individual therapist in advance. So, I plan on giving her a call tomorrow morning...

I went back to the Sprint store today, because I received a text message from them saying they were ready for me. Turns out that I needed a new phone. That's such a hassle. Yeah, I'm glad that I get a new device, but it's such a hassle to re-download all the applications and re-link all of the contacts, and re-do all the layouts and stuff. I know, I know "first world problems" and all that. At least it gave me something to do for an hour, but it's just something I'd rather not do. I relatively hate technology.

Today is my cat Sebastian's fourth birthday. He's been with us just shy of a year (it'll be a year in two days). Just wanted to share. He's been a great addition to our household--a real joy!

I've been thinking a lot about accountability and goal setting, and I think I'm going to make a goal here. I'm going to start meditating and doing the Kriya again, and I want a place to be held accountable, so I think I'll make that place here. I'll just make a point to check in about my meditation routine (which will be a morning thing) and write a little something about how it went. That should be enough for now. I've been thinking a lot about taking this first step for a long while. I don't know what's been standing in my way for so long. Ambivalence, I suppose. General toxins running through me--depression--and I'm ready to weed out my garden, I think. That means a lot of things, but I think step one will be to start with this meditation practice. I'll worry about the rest of the steps later...

I'll end with a letter.

Dear Princess Celestia,


Today I learned that it's important to be gentle and interested and to validate someone for effective communication. Validation can be very important to helping someone feel heard and understood.


Your faithful student,


Starlight Ashe