Abandon

I woke up this morning and started the day off right. I woke up and did Kriya, but I got so relaxed that I ended up napping a bit that I missed my cue to shower, which wasn't necessary because I had dressed up everything yesterday, but still I am trying to do that every day to every other day. I did wash my face and put makeup on, which livened the style up a bit. No headaches this morning, though, so that was good.

I had everything packed up and ready for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I knew that I would be out all day today, because I was going to be attending my old DBT group for a member and friend's graduation from the program tonight. My little lunch box and accompanying bag was full of stuff, and we were all ready to go! So, I left.

The day on the job went well. I spent the first two hours shadowing with one of my coworkers on a couple of her projects and I learned a lot more about the processes going on within projects--working with clients, the database, the invoices--it was generally a huge, huge help. Granted, I probably won't be working on any of the stuff she's working on, but the experience of understanding more completely about the processes behind what we do as a department is priceless at this point. After that, I was supposed to shadow with another person in the department, but instead, he assigned a project for me to do instead. I willingly took it. It was a large project that basically is taking a large amount of disorganized pieces of information and organizing them into a pre-designed system. It may be what one may call "busy work," but I flourish in it--I'm quick, efficient, and I get into a zone so easily that it's almost impossible to stop me once I'm there. I finished more than half of what was allotted to me today; I just know it. And trust you me when I say, that's a lot more than they were expecting.

When it came time to punch out, I was growing excited to see my old group. I hadn't seen Matt in a long time--and I was so happy to know that he was graduating! I couldn't wait to share my excitement with him! As I was driving along, I got a call from Nick, another member in the group, and when I answered it (excited as ever), I was disappointed to hear that they wanted me to wait in the hallway and that I wouldn't be allowed in the room due to privacy issues, which was not what I was told by the group lead before. I asked if they wanted me to come anyway and just visit over the breaks, and he told me that he didn't think so. I asked if they wanted to do something afterward, and he said that he'd let me know later and hung up the phone. I immediately lost all feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was like all the emptiness I had ever felt in my life came rushing into me and swelled up in me, filling me up (yes, emptiness filling me) completely. A piece of my treatment team--of my support circle--let me down--left me--abandoned me--and I am alone. Upon this utterance, there was a *snap* in my brain, a click of an old tape that begins turning as it starts to play again, telling me why this happens, why people abandon me:

You deserve it. Just look at you. You're fat, you're gross, and you're inadequate. No one could love you.


I don't argue with this voice right away. I just start crying and agree with it. I tell it that yes, I am fat and gross and inadequate, and I deserve only to be those things. And I binge relentlessly, hitting drive-thru after drive-thru before I can rationalize what's happened--only a tunnel vision anthem beating rhythmically: sur-vive.

I come to in a Target parking lot, throwing the bags away and walking through the sliding doors. I'm headed to the bathroom. No! I know this part! I stop myself and turn around. I'm having a panic attack. I go outside again, walk to the edge of the fence and lean face-first against the cold metal and breathe. Let the urge pass. They call this urge surfing. I'm riding the urge to go in to the bathroom and purge. It's one of the stronger urges I've had and it's to be expected after one of the stronger binges I've had. I argue with every "Can't get fatter" argument my head throws at me, lying to myself that it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things--not lying...hoping. Sometimes I'm not sure how much I buy it. Most days, I'm all there with it. Days like today, I really have to fake it.

I have to go in the store to fill my prescription, and I do go in. And I don't purge. So, victory there. They ended up not filling my prescription anyway, because my insurance wouldn't clear it until tomorrow. Damn it. So, I have to go there again tomorrow somehow, when I don't have time. That's just perfect. I might have to miss DBT now.

No letter again tonight. I'm not in the mood. I'm just happy to be home.