Catch-up

So, it's been awhile since I've really blogged about anything other than my ED/cognitive distortion things--and even with that, it's been awhile since I've really updated anything. I was looking to have this be more of a frequent channel of communication between myself and whatever readers I may have, so I apologize for my lapse in posting; this should not be the norm.

Let's start with work. Work has been truly a shining light. I really lucked out on this front. The projects that they have given me have been steadily getting more and more complex, and they are beginning to trust me more. My most recent example was that on last Friday, my boss was working from home because her daughter was sick, so there wasn't someone there to make sure that I had something to do. So, between my coworkers and I, we divided up some new work that I could do from their responsibilities, which were already over my head at first glance. My coworker, Robin, spent a half an hour training me in on two of her duties that she was handing over to me, then left me to do them, inviting me over if I had any questions. It was difficult, but so rewarding to be able to sift through that pile of material and slowly get to know new, complicated tasks--and be able to work through them.

Beyond that, the company is cool to work for. At the holiday party, they gave out prizes (drawings) and I won 4 Twins tickets in the owner's box seats, which are supposedly really nice. So, I'm psyched about that. It was also nice to see that on Friday, someone came around passing out Christmas cards to everyone and inside were holiday bonus checks, including one for me (the new girl). That was pretty cool, too. It wasn't much of a bonus, but still, a bonus at all after only working there for two weeks is pretty awesome. So, work is pretty much awesome-- the work, the people, the company... all of it.

In terms of my meditation practice, I went to my Sahaj Samadhi meditation refresher course, and since then I have been more revitalized in mind, but not yet in practice. The refresher course was built like a Q&A session and then a group meditation, so I was able to get in a sitting meditation session with my mantra, which I haven't done in some time. The experience was effortless, which is how it's supposed to be. The only thing that was the problem was my seating posture wasn't comfortable. That would need to change for the practice to work fully, but I could tell that I went pretty deep--especially with how awake I was afterward. I wasn't able to sleep after I got home, which caused some issues the following morning. My problem is that I haven't built in the practice of Kriya and meditation into my morning routine yet. I'm still favoring sleep. I think if I switch the order to shower first, instead of routine first, I'll be less inclined sleep that extra hour. It's important enough for me to find another solution, even if it means introducing caffeine in the morning or something (not something I want in the longterm), but I want this in the morning. I want to be able to do able to do Kriya/Meditation in the morning, and then Meditation after work. I don't think that's too much to ask. It's all of an hour and a half of my day. I owe myself at least that, right? I think I might do a guided meditation tonight.

Since my last post, my symptom use has tapered off, but the thoughts are still loud. On Wednesday night, I went to long Kriya and while I was waiting for that to start, I detailed a dialogue between me and Mia (the personification of my eating disorder). That was surprisingly helpful to get both voices down on paper. Essentially, it came down to the fact that there is this problem that I'm having, this fear of being abandoned, that my eating disorder used to have an answer for--which no longer works. The dialogue reflected an argument as to why it no longer worked. To see it written down took a lot of the power from it, and it almost humanized what I was experiencing--it took a lot of the shame I was feeling on top of everything away. I went into long Kriya, feeling more hopeful, which made the cleansing experience much more cleansing, I think.

I'm particularly happy that my therapy is starting up again after a three week vacation. My therapist was out of town, so I was left to my own devices. I have my regular appointments starting on Wednesday. That'll be a very, very good thing.

Today, I woke up and went to sangha and meditated with the group for a brief amount of time. It went pretty well. A lot of mental chatter. Returning to the breath VERY frequently, lemme tell ya.  After that, I went to Rainbow to pick up some stuff-- I needed to get some moisturizer for my face. I have these prescription acne washes and they have been drying out my face that nothing else! Hopefully, the stuff I bought will help. I'll just add it to my already full routine (yeah, I'll spare an hour and a half, but thirty seconds and I'll gripe).

Then I came home to our pit of a place with a very productive mentality -- CLEAN ALL THE THINGS -- and I was happy to find that Arun was willing to help after a while, that made the whole thing go faster. We did about three and a half hours of solid work and the place does look pretty spiffy. Arun posed a good idea of just making it a goal to set aside two hours on the weekend to just clean. That's a lot of time when that's all you're doing. I think that'll work for most things. I'll definitely have to go outside those hours if I want to go above and beyond and, say, wash all the hardwood floors (which did not get done today...boo).

After cleaning, Arun made a really sweet salads with some of the leftover friend chicken breasts that we had last night. So, we had those with a side of fried string cheese. Tasty, tasty.

What's left tonight... Um, probably, dinner, dishes, and hopefully a guided meditation... I really should do some laundry, but I'm not feeling it tonight. I'll probably do it tomorrow.